This piece is dedicated to my baby girls who directly or indirectly have inspired me to never give up. They are indeed inspired or more accurately choose to live a spirited life. They do not define themselves with any role or limit themselves with any circumstances that come their way. Today,I try to choose to live like them, pick a choice that doesn't burden me but makes me lighter, select a perspective that is not limiting rather is infinite, and prefer an outlook that is not exclusive but is all-encompassing. This was a conscious effort to program my style of thinking. I don’t live by my instincts any more, for they may be shaped by my life’s or people in my life’s events. I have consciously tried to incept a thought that dissolves any size or shape of camouflaged underlying fear associated with any decision that we have to take day-in and day-out that can possibly influence our present and future events.
This was not an easy task. I was suicidal. I was in agonizing pain, infinite, perpetual without any farthest or a slightest chance of a break. But between every two seconds, I had to make a choice to let go and look forward. What I let go and what I look forward to was up to me. It was as if innumerable programs ran in my brain. My current state of misery formed a major part of those programs. Needless to say, most of these programs were bound to be creating depressed thoughts to feed off from. It's admirable how a pain body functions, how these painful sensations create more painful chemicals to feed from and survive and exist. Since, my existence within a pain body stayed a little longer, frankly lot longer, I came to understand, I don't let this pain body override my true nature of being. I don't let someone that I am not overtake my life on this planet. For what it's worth, for better or worse, it's me who should have a supreme take on this body or mind or soul or my future or my career , well just about everything.
First things first, when I slow-motion understood the agenda of a painful fibromyalgic body. I had to break down how I am going to break down this painful body overtaking me. One beautiful day, a proverb by an inspired soul Dr Wayne Dyer came to my mind. :“When you change the way you look at things, things you look at do change”. I had come across this excellent word play during my carefree teenage years. I knew, this is how I start. This is how I create a turning point, bold enough to prove a point.
At this point, I Iooked at my current state of being. Hmm. I had nothing. I was not successful.(here, success means whatever is due to a deserving person) Although I did secure almost everything an ambitious person seeks out to do. Scoring top percentile in a difficult CAT entrance exam, meaning only few Indian students are smarter than you. Check. Passing out with an MBA from one of the “difficult to get in” universities in India. Check. Carrying out an impossible identical twin pregnancy and delivering two beautiful baby girls despite doctors' several warnings. Check. So, to sum it up, I couldn't hold on to my achievements and make a life out of them. I had no professional career. I had no life within my legs to run after my kids. To say the least, I had no life. I had hit the rock bottom. That’s it, I thought.
Even the strongest , most powerful tide turns. Another powerful combination of words that I had read sometime in my childhood. So, I thought, basically anything that unfolds out of this phase ought to be good and only better. That's how my second chance in life is supposed to begin, I decided. That was it. It was time, I get my time. I let go....and I looked forward.
With baby steps one at a time literally but steadily taken by my legs, today I thank God that I had a strong suicidal motivation once and I also thank God that I have stronger remaking instincts and I am aware which direction I am looking forward. I thank God for nudging me a way to come to terms with my illness. The illness dissolved at the spiritual level and so did the pain at the physical level.(More on this later..I owe some real untold explanation to fibromyalgiatic patients and to good doctors) I could create a miracle within. Perhaps because I had some music still left in me...
